


love me a little less

by ralf



Series: Close to Canon [56]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Episode Related, Episode: s03e22 All Good Things..., Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Parabatai Bond, Parabatai Feels, ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:09:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24698863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ralf/pseuds/ralf
Summary: Every step towards Alec's office feels like going to war. Jace braces himself for the fight he knows he's probably going to pick, casting his painfully tender skin in an armor of cold dismissiveness.He has to do this. There's no other option. This is for the best.[Set in 3x22 during the year lost in the One-Year-Later-timeskip, explaining why tf Alec moved to Alicante when Jace was a broken-hearted mess (yes I'm still mad about this thanks for asking).]
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland
Series: Close to Canon [56]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/936036
Comments: 11
Kudos: 93





	love me a little less

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, you know how spite is my main motivation for most things in life? Yeah. I hated approximately 80% of the One Year Later montage and this is how I cope with my biggest grievance. Hope you enjoy!
> 
> Title is somewhat stolen from “Broken Strings” by James Morrison & Nelly Furtado.

Every step towards Alec's office feels like going to war. Jace braces himself for the fight he knows he's probably going to pick, casting his painfully tender skin in an armor of cold dismissiveness.

He has to do this. There's no other option. This is for the best.

Alec looks up with a smile when he enters, and it clenches at Jace's heart. Alec doesn't, _can't_ feel his emotions running high through their parabatai bond, is oblivious to Jace's inner turmoil. It's Jace's own fault, he knows, since he's the one who's been shutting their bond down bit by bit, but that doesn't stop him from feeling abandoned and betrayed and alone.

All of this, it's making him sick. It needs to stop and this is the only way he knows how to put a stop to it. He focuses on the low simmering anger and shoves the hurt away.

He strides towards Alec's desk but doesn't sit down. “I heard the Clave offered you a position in Alicante,” he says, not bothering with a greeting, crossing his arms. Maybe it's unwise to show such defensiveness but Jace is beyond caring. Even starting this he just wants it to be over.

Alec's smile drops away, a frown taking its place. “Izzy told you,” he states slowly.

“Yeah, she did,” Jace bites out. “Since apparently my parabatai didn't deem me important enough to tell me himself.”

A flash of hurt flickers through Alec's eyes but it's gone the next moment, hidden away carefully. His whole demeanor shifts, going from unconcerned ease to guarded caution. The sight leaves a stale taste in Jace's mouth even though it's exactly what he was aiming for.

“I'm not going to take a job in Alicante.” Alec says it like a reassurance and Jace bristles.

“Maybe you should,” he snaps, then takes a deep breath. Aggression will get him nowhere with Alec, he needs to appeal to his sense of duty. “Think of all the good you can do from there.”

Alec seizes him up, his gaze heavy. “I think I'm needed here more.”

Jace feels the wall he's backed against and his hands clench into fists. So this is it. Deep down he knew it would come to this. Still.

Lifting his chin he stares Alec down. “I want you to go.”

Alec doesn't flinch. He merely blinks, but with the way the movement is a fraction too slow he might as well have recoiled with his whole body. Jace hates himself a little bit more but he'll see this through because there is no other option left. The moment stretches between them and Jace waits for Alec to retreat, to bow to hurt and confusion and leave Jace to his own vicious devices.

He doesn't. Instead he gets up and it's Jace who flinches away, takes a step back when Alec comes too close. Alec pauses, no more than an arm's length separating them, watching him intently.

A prodding sensation tingles through Jace's mind. Alec is reaching out through their parabatai connection.

Jace clamps it shut.

Sorrow enters Alec's eyes. “Jace. I know you're hurting. Don't push me away.”

“You don't understand,” Jace whispers and is shocked to find his voice thready and thin. “It's the only solution.”

Whatever hesitance held Alec back dissolves. He covers the distance between them and pulls Jace into a gentle hug. Jace thinks he should probably draw back but he can't make himself leave the comfort of Alec's embrace. Part of him just wants to stay like this forever. He's so tired.

“I'll give you all the space you want,” Alec promises, and Jace _knows_ how much it costs him to say that because staying back when his siblings hurt is the cruelst thing to ask of him, “but don't make me go away.”

Tears sting in Jace's eyes. Guilt and pain and exhaustion tug at him. He hides in Alec's shoulder. “I won't get better as long as you're here.”

Alec's hands twitch where they're holding onto him. “I'll stop. Whatever it is I'm doing, I'll stop it, I swear,” he pleads.

Jace lets out a long shaky breath. He's so tired of this inescapable misery, of hurting Alec, of hurting. He can't carry on like this.

“The only time I feel even remotely okay is when you're home,” he confesses quietly. “When you forget about me for a moment and allow yourself to be happy.” At night, he tentatively opens their connection, and the steady waves of Alec's calm and muted joy are the only thing that can soften the edges of Jace's grief. It's the only reason he's managing to sleep at all these days, the only reprieve he gets from his own ruin. “Every day you see me and it breaks your heart and I can't take it anymore. I need you to be happy, for both of us. And you can't when you're here.”

Alec's arms tighten around him. “Jace, I--”

“Please,” Jace interrupts him. “The best thing you can do for me is leave me. Don't think about me. Just be happy.”

Alec's breath catches and he holds Jace even closer. Jace can feel all his muscles locked tight and realizes Alec is keeping himself still to hide the fact that he is crying. He should know that Jace knows his tells, but he's still trying to protect him. It makes Jace's own tears finally fall.

They stay like this for a long time.

“Will you take the job?” Jace eventually asks. “For me?”

Alec presses his face into Jace's hair, swallows audibly and does what needs to be done, as Jace trusted and prayed and knew he would. “Yes. I will.”


End file.
